grateful today

I’ve been meditating a little bit this past week.

I do it in the morning, after half a cup of coffee so that I’m not too wired but neither am I going to fall back asleep. I started with seven minutes — my compromise between five and ten — and have been increasing by a minute a day. I figure I can ease my way up to half-an-hour this way. Or not. I may quit tomorrow.

I’m finding that the practice helps me stay much more even keel and gives me a teeninsy bit of distance from my thoughts throughout the day. It seems to work even better if I’ve also done two minutes of yoga stretches, or spent some time in the garden before getting into my work day.

I should, however, make clear that my meditating does not look or feel like any kind of blissful peacey la-la trance. It goes more like this:

Breath.

“Maybe next year I’ll plant those cornichon cucumblahblahblahblah….”

OH! Thinking!

Half breath.

“What if I run out of money and can’t pay theblahblahblahblah….”

THINKING!!

Breath.

“Maybe I could blahblahblahblah….”

THINKING!!

“If I just blahblahblahblah….”

THINK… “Blahblahblahblah….”

Oops, thinking!

Breath.

Buzzer sound.

If you’ve ever watched Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan walk an unruly dog, then you’ve witnessed my brain at meditation. (Strain on leash. “Tsst!” Strain on leash. “Tsst!”) Which makes it all the more shocking that these tiny, unskillful attempts are having a distinct effect on my serenity.

- Estyn

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